Growing up, I was constantly looking to my parents to understand who I was. Their words, reactions, and even their body language played an enormous role in shaping my sense of self. I used their feedback as a mirror, looking to see if I was “good” or “good enough,” if I was “acceptable” or maybe “too much,” or even a “bother.” It’s a natural process—children instinctively rely on their parents’ responses to help them gauge their worth, often before they’re even aware of the concept.
Why Children Seek Validation
Children have an innate need to be validated by those they love. In these early stages of development, they don’t yet have the inner resources to define their own worth independently. So, they look outside of themselves, relying on caregivers for feedback to help build their identity. When a parent responds with warmth, acceptance, and encouragement, it reinforces a positive self-image. But when responses are inconsistent, critical, or dismissive, a child may start to internalise negative beliefs about themselves.
For me, when my parents’ reactions didn’t match how I wanted to be seen, I would try even harder to gain their approval. I thought that if I could just be “better” somehow—more agreeable, more helpful, quieter, or less “troublesome”—then maybe I would receive the validation I craved. This cycle of striving for approval, however, often left me feeling anxious and even unloved. And that need for acceptance, when unmet, didn’t disappear; instead, it manifested in challenging behaviours—tantrums, defiance, and acting out.
The Pressure to Be "Good Enough"
This cycle of constantly seeking approval is exhausting for a child and can create a deep-seated anxiety. When children feel that their worth is always conditional, based on how they perform or behave, they internalise the idea that they are only lovable if they meet certain standards. Over time, this belief can lead to a fragile sense of self-worth. Children may start acting out, not because they want to be disruptive but because they are desperate to be seen and validated, even if it’s through negative attention.
The consequences of this mindset often go unnoticed. When children don’t feel accepted, they may resort to behaviours that mirror their inner struggle. Acting out can be a cry for help, a plea for someone to recognize their hurt, their need for validation, and their worth. And when these children don’t receive the reassurance they need, it reinforces their belief that they are, in fact, “bad,” “too much,” or “unworthy.” Psychologists refer to this as the Golem Effect—the idea that negative expectations can lead children to behave in ways that align with those low expectations.
Shifting Behaviour by Shifting Self-Worth
“Children act in line with how they feel about themselves.” When a child feels valued, seen, and accepted, their behaviour often reflects that sense of security and worth. They tend to be more cooperative, empathetic, and resilient. But if they feel criticised or unloved, they may act out in ways that align with those negative feelings. The good news? When parents approach their child with compassion and understanding, they can positively impact their child’s self-image and, in turn, their behaviour.
As a Therapeutic Coach, I work compassionately and non-judgmentally with parents to develop five key skills that can help boost their child’s self-worth. These skills go beyond simply “managing” behaviour; they aim to help parents nurture their child’s sense of self from within, creating a secure foundation of worth and confidence. When children feel deeply valued by their parents, they’re more likely to grow into secure, self-assured adults who feel comfortable expressing themselves and navigating life’s challenges.
What Are the Five Key Skills?
These five key skills I teach are practical yet transformative. They’re designed to help parents connect with their children on a deeper level, fostering a safe space for open communication, respect, and understanding. They help parents:
Encourage Positive Self-Expression: Support your child in expressing their emotions in a healthy way, showing them that all feelings are valid and that they can share them without judgement.
Build Emotional Safety: By responding empathetically, you create a safe environment where your child knows they are accepted, even when their behaviour isn’t perfect.
Foster Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries help children understand limits while feeling respected. This skill strengthens the parent-child relationship and teaches children to respect others’ boundaries.
Model Self-Worth: Children learn by observing. When parents show themselves kindness and self-acceptance, it helps children internalise similar values.
Empower Through Independence: By encouraging children to make age-appropriate choices, they develop confidence and a sense of autonomy.
By implementing these skills, parents are not only addressing challenging behaviours but also helping to build a child’s self-worth from within. This approach impacts not only how children feel about themselves but also how they interact with others and navigate life’s inevitable ups and downs.
The Power of Positive Expectations
When children feel loved and valued, they act accordingly. Instead of behaving in ways that seek negative attention, they align their actions with the positive beliefs they hold about themselves. They are no longer acting out to fill a gap in validation; instead, they express themselves in ways that reflect their inner sense of worth and security. In this way, positive expectations can be transformative, helping children develop into emotionally healthy, resilient adults.
If you’re ready to explore how these five key skills can help you connect more deeply with your child, reduce tantrums, strengthen sibling relationships, and confidently navigate co-parenting challenges, I invite you to reach out and tell me how I look! When we give our children a foundation of love and acceptance, we empower them to see their true worth and to act in ways that reflect it.
Ready to take the first step? Join the course here or book a free consultation to see how we can help.
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